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When a couple is no longer talking to each other


  • When a couple is no longer talking to each other

    When a couple goes into the “we’re not talking to each other” mode, it is because they’ve spent too much time in the “we’re not listening to each other” mode.

    Who wants to talk to someone who does not listen?

    Everybody wants to be right, and everyone wants to be heard. The truth is that no one is always right, even so, everyone wants to be heard. You may not agree with everything your partner says, but you can at least make an effort to truly listen to him (or her) and try to understand his (her) point of view. When your partner does not agree with you, but makes an effort to listen to you; then finally understand where you’re coming from, you feel more comforted. He or she did not ignore you nor acted like a dictator. At least one of your needs: to be heard, has been fulfilled.

    Talking to each other is not enough, you must also listen to each other, which is the first step to communication. Not even I would like Cristiane to always agree with me, but I will always want her to hear and understand me. To agree and to understand are two different things. You may not always see eye to eye, but you can always do your best to listen and understand your partner.

    When it comes to relationships, why do we insist on receiving first instead of giving? Ninety-nine percent of people who look for our help with issues regarding their love life only talk about what their partner is not doing for them. My husband does not pay attention to me, my wife does not want to have sex with me, my boyfriend does not care… The focus is always on what the other person is not doing. But what about the one who is complaining? Is he (she) giving to receive?

    We must be initiators so that we can become receivers.

    To be heard is one of the most basic needs of the human being. Tragically, the majority of married people are not fulfilling this need. For this reason, most infidelity cases happen because the spouse found in the lover an extremely sexy body part: an open ear.

    Perhaps you are making this mistake with your partner. Try listening and truly understanding him or her, even if you do not agree. Resist the temptation to retaliate, defend yourself, or oppose his point of view. Just listen. Closely. And try to understand.

    That is not hard.

    One of the greatest signs of intelligence is the ability to appreciate different points of view without necessarily changing yours.

     

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